Twilu, Or The Girl Who Waz In Luv with an Umpire
by Elliot Pole
Summary: Mary-Sue, later named Twilu, is in love with an Umpire named Carlisle. But he loves a lesbian! What to do?
1. Chapter 1

**Twilu, The Girl Who Waz In Luv with an Umpire**

**Chapter de Uno**

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Twilu. Are you bored yet?

Well, anyhow, this girl was in love with an Umpire, because she believed he was "goffik." He wore black at baseball games. He also ate pretzels in his underwear at home, but you don't need to know that.

The girl's name is Mary-Sue. The boy's name is Carlisle. Why? BECAUSE I SAY SO.

Now, Carlisle really hated baseball. He hated it as much as the fact that Cheetos Paws were discontinued. He wished he could invent a time machine and stay stuck in the time when you could buy Cheetos Paws at the grocery store.

Mary-Sue knew that she could win his heart, because Mary-Sue can do anything. Heck, Mary-Sue could make cinnamon rolls out of pork and beans and whiskey. But there's one thing Mary-Sue cannot do, and that is win Carlisle's heart.

You see, Carlisle was in love with a girl named Tara Gilespie. Tara was in love with another girl, but that's another story and shall be told another time.

So, one day Mary-Sue approached Carlisle. "I love you," she whispered in his ear. He was wearing his umpire uniform.

_Who does this chick think she's kidding? _Carlisle thought. "Look, lady, I'm very—"

But she interrupted him. She had pulled off his umpire helmet and kissed him squarely on the lips.

When she released, he said, "Please go away!" looking at her with terrified eyes.

She ran away felling terrible. On the way home she fell into a pond. A duck hit her on the foot with its beak, and she ran home in pain.

Her sister confronted her when she entered the house. "Mary-Sue, you've been sent a message."

"Huh?"

"A guy on Craigslist is in love with you."

"That makes no sense. Besides, no one is in love with me," Mary-Sue said, despondently.

"Maybe you should just change your name."

"To what?"

"I don't know. You don't want something corny, like Bella. Or ridiculous, like Renesmee. How about Twilu?"

"Hmm, that would work."

So for the rest of this story, we will call Mary-Sue "Twilu."

Twilu went to her room and played The Sims 2 till she fell asleep, without eating dinner. The next day at school she told the counselors that she had changed her name to Twilu. In classes when teachers asked if Mary-Sue Braddon were present, Twilu did not raise her hand.

Twilu saw a girl sitting three chairs away, staring at the girl in front of her. The staring girl is Tara Gilespie, but again, you will hear her story another time. It's a tragic and much more interesting tale than this one.

So our poor Twilu. Well, she was still in love with her umpire. But now she wanted to have his cubs. She'd have to get him drunk for that. Oh joy.

WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM WITH A STUNNING MESSAGE: Frankie Muniz is dating your mother. Don't believe me? Put a tracking camera on her. I guarantee you'll catch her kissing Frankie Muniz within a week. How do I know this? That's for me to know and you to find out.

Now let's discuss the water cycle, because that is what Twilu's teacher was talking about. The water cycle has three main phases, evaporation, condensation, and precipitation. Evaporation is where drops of water enter the air through black holes in cyberspace, and stay there for a while. Condensation is where the evaporated water condenses and becomes clouds. Precipitation is where clouds signal the Vogon to come and destroy Earth.

Had enough lessons? We shall return to Twilu's dilemma.

So Twilu was in love with a guy who was in love with a lesbian. Let's figure this out. How to solve the problem? Oh, I know! TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!

So Raphael and Michelangelo appear, one with a red bandana and the other with a blue one over their foreheads. They arrive on the scene because Twilu summoned them with her Digivice and sicced them on the umpire named Carlisle whom she was in love with. They ran and knocked some sense into him, then disappeared into thin air. The next time Carlisle the umpire saw Twilu, he kissed her passionately, and she urinated in her pants.


	2. Chapter 2

**Twilu, Or the Girl Who Waz in Luv with an Umpire**

**Chapter Two**

Twilu's mother scolded her the day she came home with wet pants, but she felt blissful after her kiss with Carlisle. She fell into a dream…

"_Strike three, you're out!" Carlisle was shouting._

_They were in a cafeteria. Carlisle was holding an anvil, planning to drop it on her head if she didn't scram. But she couldn't move because her legs had turned to jello._

_The anvil was dropped, coming toward her head, when…_

"_Sparky the fire dog tells you to stop, drop, and roll! Smoke is in the air! Twilu's heart is burning!"_

(The author of this very fic you are reading has just received a notice that the last line isn't funny. He was asked to remove it. Unfortunately, that is impossible, because the author's hands are currently tied up and Elmer Fudd is about to blast his head off if he doesn't tell him where "dat wabbit" is.)

Twilu woke up and went down stairs, where her mother had put a bowl of fortune cookies. Twilu had been wary of fortune cookies ever since she saw _Freaky Friday. _And speaking of _Freaky Friday, _we must take a little detour.

Tara Gilespie was looking at photos of Lyndsay Lohan at the very moment Twilu came down for breakfast. She had just learnt that Lyndsay Lohan was a lesbian, though Lyndsay's girlfriend, Sarah, was ugly as a pig-spider. But Tara had hopes that the star would love her.

"Tara, get down here at once and stop looking at photos of women you want to *bleep*! It's time for school, and if I don't see your little hiney within the next thirty seconds; I'll call Ralph to sit on you!"

Ralph was the Gilespie family's pet elephant. He loved sitting on people, but only did so when ordered to. Once Tara's father had ordered Ralph to sit on his sister-in-law, and she had to be hospitalized afterward. She barely survived and attempted to sue. But the court deemed her guilty because she had been attempting to steal a $25,000 diamond ring at the time.

Tara ran downstairs and jumped in her father's car. On the way to school she told him about a recent crush of hers, Dominique Swann, who played Lolita in the 1998 film. Of course, this was over ten years after that film came out, so Dominique would be twenty-six or thereabouts. But when she was Lolita, she captured Tara's heart.

At school, Tara and Twilu crashed into each other. Tara apologized breathlessly. She had never seen anyone who looked so much like Dominique Swan as Twilu. Leaning forward to kiss the girl without thinking, Twilu had stood up, and Tara's lips touched Twilu's knee!

"What are you doing?" Twilu asked.

"Uh, nothing," Tara said, giving Twilu a sheepish grin. Then she hurried off to class.

In class, they were watching Channel One, so that kids could get up to date on the news. Obama was standing there in front of the Senate, saying, "I did _not _have sexual relations with that minor."

"What minor _did _you have sexual relations with?" a female Senator asked.

Obama's face was full of hatred. "I tell you, I didn't sleep with Miley Cyrus!"

"She says you did. She's writing a song about it, called 'Obama in Bed.' Why would she write a song about it if it didn't happen?"

"No comment," Obama said.

Tara was jealous of Obama. She had always wanted to sleep with Miley. Or at least kiss her.

THIS JUST IN: In 2012, we're all going to die! Why? Because the Mayans said so, that's why! Please, do everything you can before the human race disappears forever! Perform stunts, send a virus to Myspace, commit adultery! Just have the time of your life these next three years. Soon it'll all be over. Even if you wind up in jail, it won't last long.

So, Tara and her classmates were taking a Chemistry exam when a snake crawled in the window. Someone yelled, "Snake!" Everybody jumped on their seats, and the teacher said, "If you don't sit down now, you'll all get 0's! This is not _Snakes on a Plane."_

Then the snake crawled up a kid's desk and he jumped off, sending everybody toppling to the floor except for a few students. The snake ate the boy's test paper.

The teacher stared screaming. "Ahhhhh! It's not even scientifically possible for snakes to eat paper, yet that one just did! Everybody run for your lives!" The teacher was the first one out the door.

A girl named Beverly cornered the teacher a few minutes later, outside the staff room. "Are we going to redo the test?"

"No, Beverly. That is not possible, because I forgot everything I know about chemistry the moment I saw the snake eat paper. So I won't be able to grade any tests. But don't' worry; you'll get a D+ like everyone else, and I'll be out of here."

"But I have all A's so far!" Beverly whined.

"Well, suck it up," the teacher said.


End file.
